Last Fear Standing…

I laid on a blanket in the cool of the afternoon with my sweet daughter. I had a secret that I wanted to tell her. Something I had been holding for over 14 years now. Praying and fretting over the words coming out of my mouth. Fearing the syllables falling into her sweet innocence ears. Worrying that someday I would need to tell my heart and share my secret with some lost and weary soul. Afraid that I would freeze in the moment because I had not told this young one of mine the hideousness hiding in my past life.

mesarah

Me and this little one go way back. I never wanted her to wonder if I was being honest with her. In her soft and gentle way she would listen to my words “ I didn’t grow up as you are, with both my parents, knowing God, they didn’t talk to me like I do to you. Someday I will tell you things I have been through. They are not pretty and I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know Christ until I was 20 years old. I was a product of my environment, bent on survival and in search of love and security.” She would look at me with understanding eyes and tell me It’s ok…but I still feared.

Over the years I have opened my teenage years to her. My need for acceptance. My want to be wanted, the boys, the smoking, the drugs..but this one thing I would hold back.

I have finally opened to her my last fear standing….what would she think of me??

When I was a teenager I had an abortion…two of them…..

Really!?

yeah, I said shamefully , the first one was when I was 15, the boy wasn’t supportive. I didn’t tell my mom, I just had it done. I did it alone. He didn’t even go with me. It was scary.

wow!

and the second one I was 17 .  I didn’t want to be tied to a man who was abusive to me. I had been put against the wall by my throat, hit and yelled at too many times. I couldn’t see this man as father of a child or as a place I would be safe and loved.  So I did it again and again I did it alone.

Oh….she said

She paused for a bit then she looked at me and said “Mom this is gonna sound weird but I’m thankful, I probably wouldn’t be here if you didn’t do that. You would have a totally different life, different family right now. God has a plan always huh? “

I sheepishly smiled and I said “yeah He does.”

I had wanted to tell her because I didn’t want the enemy using it to stop me talking to some burdened soul needing a friend and one full of understanding who could say “I’ve been there too, and God loves and forgives you. I have two deep scars where there had been gaping gnawing wounds that have been revisited time and time and again over the years. Something amazing happens when truth that is hidden comes to light because in the darkness it is seen as an ugly red mark on the soul. When the truth is brought to light, the darkness cant breed fear any longer. Now I am free and unafraid. God’s timing is always perfect. I endeavor to continue to grow in trust of His great love and grace.

She told me “Mom, I want to be just like you when I grow up” ….I smiled

“From where you have come to where you are now …you are good mommy and I love you!”

The Love of Christ that shines through her is amazing to me and I thank God for the sweet girl she is. God is so good! Thank you Lord for Freedom.

    John 8:32
    Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

     

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8 thoughts on “Last Fear Standing…

  1. Starla,
    I Think You Are An Amazing Mother! After Reading This, I Think You Are A Strong Women For Taking One Of World’s Hardest Decision( In My Eyes) And Saving Your Life And Taking A Different Path. In My Eyes…You Helped The Baby, Becuz Who Knows What The Father Would Have Done To The Both Of You. You, Had You Stayed. And I Think That Those Two Babies You Had To Say Goodbye Too, Are Spending Every Day With You Through Your Daughter And Your Son. I Just Want To Tell You….You And Your Family Are Amazing, I’m Glad That I Have Got The Chance To Know You!

  2. Shana Thank you so much! God is good and he has a plan. Sometimes that is not easy to see until the road you have been travelling turns into a door to walk through and you become free!!

  3. Dear Starla
    Not even once does our Lord condemn you for your past. Therefore, why on earth would anyone of us do so! He came to seek and save the lost and to bind-up the broken-hearted. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so grateful that you have found our Lord Jesus.
    Blessings
    Mia

  4. @ Beth, Brandee, Emily, Mia, Rachel – Thank you Ladies for your kindness and love. All praise to God and All glory to Him for this moment with my daughter. So Amazed by His love and grace and the peace and joy…and to be free..is just I’m so thankful!!!

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