Where are they? – A Lament

Vulnerable …Open

Two words that are easy to overlook when writing….

what do I mean?? Well, I can write flowery words and allude to my meaning and never openly state a thing and never reveal the me under the words and just let vulnerability slip through the cracks.

That being said,  today I write plainly!

Friends can I just be honest and give view to the things I have been mulling over and concerned about? I thank you in advance. Its just not a pretty subject.

We have been going through WONDERSTRUCK in my home church. Margaret Feinberg has asked that we write a lament. I find I am more open if I am open in blog and real life. So here it goes…

Being a wife is one of the hardest things I have even done! To follow after Christ and read His word, to hear His words within and when you share with your spouse and he doesn’t agree or even try to see the truths and where you are coming from, and the church says to “defer” to your husband because He is suppose to be “the head of the wife”  is the most painstakingly annoying thing there is!

Eph 5:22  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and I am committed to him and rely on him greatly in mind and heart and NO!! life is not terrible but these are things that plague me and I think the 20th century female mainstream Christian spouse experience. It is sad! Being married is NOT easy. It can be distracting to the mind since I am constantly trying to find a way to help him see what I am saying when we disagree. Can someone say PLEASE HEAR ME? Its a fight in my heart not to get so angry I want to punch him in the face. Annoying to the emotions in the times I feel like I am not being heard and I live on an emotional rollercoaster. Full of miscommunication and hurt feelings especially if we aren’t on the same page. Have you heard yourself say Do you care?  When you have two people with thinking minds and their perspectives on how to walk with God and they do not match, one pressing in and the other coasting through life so it seems. One an outdoors man awing at creation and the other a book worm and indoor comfort nut.  When life gets to    us and we are going through the motions it makes for a battle that keeps coming back because the issue never gets settled. Then when passions flare the expectations of “what is a godly wife?” is challenged and I fight in my mind the guilt battle between expressing myself or stuffing it and even that is a challenge when I get the impression that to express my thoughts is unwanted and I better watch those tones and facial expressions. Where is the …it is ok to be authentic and speak how you feel, we will figure it out together, I’m not offended by you, I love you, I hear you?

How long will I wait, GOD …how long?? Will I be able to endure, my soul is tired and my heart is faint.

I am sure I am not alone in asking the question “ What is with men being men of inaction and defense and/or out right denial?” It is as if they have decided that since you got the problem, you are the problem and that it is not their problem and so they check out, go silent and move on like nothing has happened.  And so like any married woman who chooses to let herself have a voice in the marriage…and as my bff would say we:

Inflict the comfortable and comfort the inflicted!”

 

Ever notice how when someone refuses to care about how they are treating you, if you inflict their comfort level they eventually want to hear you, deal with the matter and move forward productively. Why have I heard from many ladies about the laziness men have in their commitment to Christ but they are vigorous in the commitment to work as if the JOB is what gives them their identity?? When kids get out of line they are either passive or over zealous in their discipline. It is as if they are blind to the word Disciple in the word and forget to train up a child in the way he should go! I know it is not a new issue and it is still one.

Where is the Warrior flame in the hearts of men to right to CHRISTLIKENESS.

I had read a quote that spurred these thoughts from Ransomed Heart :

The problem with men, we are told, is that they don’t know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children. But, if they will try real hard they can reach the lofty summit of becoming . . . a nice guy. That’s what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. We don’t smoke, drink, or swear; that’s what makes us men…..Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man? Don’t listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You’d have to admit a Christian man is . . . bored.

 

Women have you ever been ( as my bff said she hear it called )  put out on the front line! Have you asked your husband to take care of something. Sometimes asking him for years to care for you, care for your home  ( fix the broken sink, repair the leaking windows that now pour into the kitchen, guard your time together when there is little time to have, speak up and stand up for you when your children disrespect you, to love you, hear you, speak up for you, protect you from his family judgment or overstepping )   AND he does nothing …no movement ….stays busy with work or distractions, lets opportunity to speak slide by and leaves you out to dry or worse you yourself have to step up and do the man’s job. SO you take the initiative and call a plumber but then he is mad at you when you take steps to remedy the issue!! And what did I do I cancelled the service call! How long God? The sink has been waiting for repair for over 7 years.  How about when you speak up for your family and relationship do you feel like you are risking that so called perception – the perfect view of women “ meek and quiet!”  Its almost as if you have to apologize for having needs, desiring right relationships, respect, love and acceptance and wanting things fixed. When did meek and quiet become silent and stepped on or over and insignificant? Is it a crime to need your husband to love you like Christ loves the Church?

I know this is heavy but it is heavy on my heart and Yes!! we are to respect our husbands but I am pretty sure Christ respected us the best and he told us the truth didn’t leave us in our comfortable little lives, He brought truth and it rocked the world.

Respect does not equal “ MY WAY OR THE HIGH WAY!

Come on …can I get a witness?? …come on now?? Anyone dealing with this??? While this is not a daily -overwhelming- I- am -drowning- kind -of- thing, this is an important issue hitting us women hard, like years of never ending spin cycle hard. For those of you who have husbands who stand up for you, care for you, love you and hear you. Count your blessings, we are not all so blessed in this area of domestic life. It is hard to admit but we are the weaker vessels…but the more our men do not stand and love like Christ, the more the world and the enemy lies to us about how we have to toughen up, push for our rights, manipulate the situation, just go around the man!

God help us!! Who will pray with me, for those of us women who deal with this!! The enemy is heavy on relationships daily….let us women rise to the heavens in one voice and call on God the only one who can move men rightly and may we shake the heavens with our cries! Like every other generation we carry the burden of raising boys who are to grow and walk in Christ. Some where back there,  the hippy generation missed it!  And us women in our ages of 30’s and 40’s are now dealing with “the reaping” of what they had sown in the 1960’s and 70’s

My man is not alone in this for I know for years I had been ignoring my needs in an out of balance way, not speaking the truth instead stuffing it for fear of creating a conflict, and allowing unkind behavior toward me to go unchecked. It has created some bad marital habits that slap me in the face at times through the both of us.  I want to encourage myself and wives to love and live in honesty not in the doormat syndrome, but in the Jesus kind of open loving truthful style.  May we not worry obsessively about how we are perceived, rather let us stand for Godliness, truth, for love, for righteousness. Christ was active and passionate and He moved the world over! STAND! Have we stopped talking to our men about what we see in them, encouraging the good and admonishing them on the bad. We are “the helpers” God gave them to stand by them and encourage them to Godly living. Are we all asleep at the moral and spiritual wheels?? Have their heart become so stubborn that only whipping them like a donkey would move them from where there pride plants them.

Where are they???….spiritually….Where are we for that matter? Where am I?

Me, I think I just cracked my eyes to some new light! God, my God reveal yourself in this situation. Come and display Your glory and sovereignty over my life and home. I know with You all things are possible. So hard when the evidence in not starring me in the face in a tangible way I can grasp. Let me thank you for Your Goodness even when I feel like the tide will never change. God you are a mountain mover, let me watch and see that the Lord is good be my salvation come move this mountain!!

Starla

Come see what God revealed to me when I allowed myself to be this vulnerable, this real, this raw and open. A true Lament from my heart about ME and not what is going on around me or the world. https://starleeta.wordpress.com/2013/06/27/a-lamenting-reveal/

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Come and Join us today!!

Today over at Friendships of Love  we are talking about ” when we hide who we are and our feelings” 

I wrote a post called STUFF AND SMILE

Proverbs 27:7 When you’ve stuffed yourself, you refuse dessert; when you’re starved, you could eat a horse.

 The word STUFF means to stop or cram, choke back. In an emotional sense this is when we don’t tell how we feel. We don’t rebuke when we should. We don’t communicate our hearts and minds. We are STUFFED. It says here when you stuff yourself you also refuse dessert. We often think of dessert as a sweet at the end of our meal but the original meaning comes from the root words Dis-serve and means TO CLEAR THE TABLE.  If you are STUFFING your emotions then you also are refusing dessert (clearing the table) you are not allowing……To continue reading click here:   http://friendshipsoflove.blogspot.com/2010/09/stuff-and-smile.html

Tina wrote a poem concerning the same issues, a telling and revealing poem of a heart hidden.

http://friendshipsoflove.blogspot.com/2010/09/revealing-of-concealing.html

Thanks for joining us today as F of L

Have a great day

Starla

The things we do…

Thursday (Book I'm Reading) THOUGHTS

Reading: Days of Deepening Friendship by Vinita Hampton Wright 

Her site and to buy this book : http://deepeningfriendship.loyolapress.com/

Hello I am Back…doing my Thursday Thoughts….I find it really interesting that the chapter I am choosing to do is RIGHT WHERE I AM!! I havent read ahead in this book I am just going along…I took a break and laid the book down and during that break I have been thinking about the very things Vinita addresses in this chapter.. God is good at that if we are listening…so lets get right to it shall we?? :0)

Chapter 19 : How do you get in your own way?

The first sentence or I should say clip of a sentence that stood out to me when reading this chapter is  –  Simple Self-Respect – When you break it down it really is SIMPLE…but we complicate things –don’t we??  (What If I say to so and so that they are walking on me they may stop talking to me all together ) We’re did we get the idea that keeping people who don’t care about us is a good thing???!!! Its simple – respect yourself. You are of worth!!

Vinita says we have to learn to understand what hurts us and what helps us. Something as simple as make up can make a big difference to two people as Vinita tells us. To one make up may give them too much attention and it becomes a hinderance to their being, giving off the appearance of too confident or too flashy whatever the issue this person may be seen as someone to not take seriously. To another no make up may let them hide like blending into the wallpaper and they don’t get to share their gifts or they simply get ignored.

Vinita asks the question : What hurts your progress in life? Our attitudes and beliefs held since childhood really do have to have their stinky little fingers pried from the steering wheel of life. I use to be scared to death to tell the truth in an emotional situation. One childhood experience caused me to be afraid to speak the truth when some one was emotionally charged. I was always in fear that if I told the truth it would come right back and smack me in the face. I would be wrong no matter what. This belief caused me to hide and give over my self-respect and integrity for years. I simple was afraid to stand up for myself and speak MY TRUTH….I have learned that what I KNOW is all I KNOW and that TRUTH is the only way to go!! ~ until I KNOW different. These things that are hanging on us keep us STUCK…in the Muck of FEARing to be real…with others and God…and ourself.

Vinita goes on to talk about hanging around people who are not good for you…do you know who those people are in your life?? OH I KNOW we are Christians we aren’t suppose to judge or be UNLOVING!! RIGHT??!! We take it for granted that God gave us DISCERNMENT. We know when someone is not right for us, for where we are, for were they are….WE CANT FIX PEOPLE! God can!! We will help no one if we can not control ourselves around certain people. You know what I am talking about — the person who makes you feel like you are wrong about everything and so you agree with them (even if it is just a tiny bit with your silence)…or the person who you just can’t stay out of the gossip corner with…or the person who comes around and they lay all this garbage in your mind and you always feel terrible and drained  after they leave…or the person who disrespects your time and you waste a whole week cause they think they live at your house. DONT FEEL GUILTY and tell yourself that you aren’t good enough, strong enough, or loving enough Christian…repent and stand with your DISCERNMENT of these things. Give yourself permission to respect yourself. YOU are one person you can DO SOMETHING about –so DO IT! You KNOW in your KNOWER if someone is NOT FOR YOU!! If they are dragging your down you cant help or do them good and they aren’t doing you good…they need the person who can help them up and so do you.

Taking inventory of the things that harm us and help us is a good thing to do …novel idea anyway…so I will give it a whirl —

Things that harm me :

My ability to blame others for my attitude problem, My need to have things in my kitchen right and so if it is not I get pissy, My ability to whisk myself away when I am hurt causing me to ignore issues and prolonging the situation. My need to deal with it NOW while not allowing others to process their way ( wow those two are opposites )  So naturally next should be my ability to swing from one extreme to the other making me feel Bi-polar.

Things that are helpful:

Being willing to see the reality of the situation in front of me no matter how painful or upsetting, Being willing to speak the truth that is in me so that I do not stuff and smile and turn into a volcano, Being kind to myself within my mind and heart, Resting when my body asks me too instead of pushing myself.

Can you make your own list? Do you know what is good for you and what is not…and who is not?

Have a great THURSDAY!! Blessings

Starla